it's not the end yet

It’s not the end yet.

That’s the first sentence I put on my 2020 vision board. Just because I know, it is not the end yet even though everything seems stagnant. But then I realized that life is about ending and beginning. There are many endings and beginnings provided for us in order to grow. I used to fear the ending,  as much as the beginning, because it’s unknown. I used to hold everything that makes my comfortable life around me. That’s the natural tendency of living being, to preserve their existence and maintain what’s considered as balance. I might associate endings with painful things, so I don’t want to get it. I want to continue my current life without any problems. But the familiar and the known only make you fear the changes, you then remain the same, you don’t want to learn anything new, because you are too scared to dip your fingers into the unknown pool.

Recent;y I’ve been thinking more than usual. It might have turned into overthinking, but I know I will be okay. I try to understand who I am, what I want, and why I was born. Yes,  I always write positive things here, that everything is meant to shine because they have a purpose to be born in this world. But then, I came into a situation where I question myself : is this my purpose? Am I doing it right? Am I deceiving myself? Am I crazy? Why am I doing different things from majority of people around me? Are differences unacceptable? Can I live peacefully with my own self?

Yeah. I’m scared sometimes, of the unknown, of the possibility that I won’t be no longer doing what I love to do. What really important for me is freedom. The freedom expressing myself in any form I enjoy. That has been the blockage I face since my childhood. I’m now working with it, to heal the wounded part of me. That I can’t think of anything else.

I’m not questioning what other people decisions are. I’m not interested in judging other people’s life. That’s their rights to decide the best for them.

I appreciate everyone who shows their care to me, but I have set my own boundaries, that I’m the one who decides for my life, nobody else can. If my surrounding get hurt of my decision, I will move on to another place, so we will no longer hurting each other. That’s another ending in order to let another beginning to happen. I used to be scared of being alone, but as I grow up, being alone is the thing that I need to understand myself as much as the need of some endings in my life. There is so much unfinished business from the past that are needed to sit with, to end the old cycles that are no longer serving me for the better. I can’t do that while being with other people. I only am able to do that when I’m only with myself.

I’m questioning so many things to myself. It feels so overwhelming sometimes, but then I get to know myself more. “What are feelings? Why do they exist? Why do people argue? Why do people stay in the same toxic cycle? Is marriage a life goal? Was you born to only meet your significant other in this lifetime? What is the point of staying in a toxic relationship? Why can’t people move on?” and so many other questions. Again, I’m not questioning to judge other people, yet I want to know what path I need to take. The best path that is created only for me.

For now, I don’t want to think anything other than healing myself. I don’t  want to be asked whether or not I want to get married or something like that. I might change my mind, but it’s only me who decides to change it. Nobody else can change my mind, because they have their own mind to change.

As I tweeted before, this will be my last blog post before taking a (short) break. I need this break period in order to lessen the amount of things to do in my life. When I feel I have learned life-changing stuff, I will comeback to this blog to share it with you. I’m sorry I ended up typing anything that comes right into my mind when I open my text editor to write something in this blog. 

If you accidentally come across this blog post, thank you for stopping by. I hope, at least one thing I have written here, can be the help you need whenever you find this.

In this case, I would say that it’s not the end yet. Not because I’m afraid of It, but because I don’t think I will end this blog. I will comeback surely, I have renewed this blog subscription too, so I won’t waste the money lol. Another message for anyone who needs it : please take a break when you feel you need it, or when your body signals something wrong happening. Listen to your body, pause for awhile to give it more love, then comeback with 1000% power.

Well. Take care. See you on the next post.

Title picture by lailiving

Photo by Sebastien Gabriel on Unsplash