The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry | Book Review

(This book review will be in English and Indonesian, so it's longer than usual. Review buku ini dalam bahasa Inggris dan bahasa Indonesia, sehingga lebih panjang dari biasanya.)

Parenting is equal parts amazing and absolutely terrifying. No one hands you a manual when you leave the hospital with that tiny human, and most of us are just figuring it out as we go. Philippa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read is a down-to-earth, thoughtful take on raising kids that feels like having a chill, super-wise therapist friend walk you through the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids. Perry skips the typical "do this, not that" advice and instead helps you build real connections with your kids, break those frustrating family patterns we all inherit, and actually grow as a person along the way. The best part is she's not selling perfection, just a way to parent with more heart and less guilt.

(Jadi orangtua tuh campur aduk antara bikin seneng dan bikin deg-degan. Pas bawa pulang bayi dari rumah sakit, kita nggak dikasih manual book-nya, ya kita semua basically coba-coba sambil jalan aja. Nah, buku The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read oleh Philippa Perry ini kayak punya temen therapist yang super bijak tapi santai banget, nemenin kamu ngadepin drama-drama parenting. Nggak pakai teori kaku ala "harus begini, jangan begitu", Perry malah ngajarin cara membangun hubungan real sama anak, memutus pola parenting toxic turunan keluarga, sekalian berkembang sebagai manusia. Yang paling asik? Nggak ada tuh tuntutan buat jadi orang tua perfect, yang ada malah diajak parenting pakai hati aja, no guilt trip.)

BOOK INFORMATION

Publisher                     : Reneebook

Translator                   : Leinovar

Length                          : 377 pages

Date released                : October 1, 2022

Date read                       : May 4 - 28, 2023

Goodreads rating         : 4.11

My rating                       : 4.50

Keywords                       : non-fiction, parenting, psychology

Where to read               : physical book

Where to buy       : reneturos official store or gramedia (for Indonesian edition), periplus official store (for English edition)

TL;DR: A therapy session meets pep talk for parents. No guilt trips, no one-size-fits-all rules, just real, actionable advice to help you break generational patterns, connect with your kids, and actually enjoy parenting (most of the time). Perfect for anyone who wants to raise emotionally healthy humans without losing their mind in the process.

PHYSICAL BOOK REVIEW

✔ Floppy binding. Easy to hold and stays open for note-taking

✔ Reader-friendly layout. Good font size, spacing, and clean formatting

✔ Exercise boxes. Helpful for focusing on key points and activities

✔ Note-taking friendly. Margins and space for jotting down thoughts

✖ Paper quality. Highlighters may bleed through (lighter colors work better)

⚠ Inconsistent translation. Some phrases feel awkward, may require extra effort to understand

⚠ Typos and errors. A few scattered mistakes that can be distracting

⚠ Punctuation issues. Missing or odd punctuation in places, causing minor confusion

PERFECT FOR:

✅ New parents drowning in conflicting advice

✅ Seasoned parents needing a reset (or just survival tips)

✅ Anyone who swore they’d never parent like their own folks

✅ Overthinkers who want less theory, more "what do I do?"

✅ Parents of teens navigating modern struggles (screens, independence, etc.)

SKIP IF:

❌ You want a strict "do this, not that" rulebook

❌ You’re not ready to reflect on your own childhood stuff

❌ You’re looking for quick fixes (this is about long-term change)

BOOK REVIEW

One of the more surprising (and honestly a bit uncomfortable) things about being a parent is realizing that a lot of what we do isn’t actually coming from our own instincts, it’s more like echoes of how we were raised. The way we snap when we're stressed, how we deal with our kid's tears, even what we secretly expect from them, a lot of that stuff comes from our own childhoods. And we're basically doing impressions of our own parents without even realizing it. What feels like gut instinct is often just old family patterns on autopilot. The truth is, just because something feels "natural" doesn’t mean it’s helpful. If we don’t take a closer look at these patterns, they can quietly mess up our relationship with our kids. And since that bond shapes how they relate to other people in the future, the effects can last way beyond childhood.

That’s where The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry comes in. It’s not your typical parenting manual because it doesn't treat kids like DIY projects or report cards on your parenting skills. The title is kinda begging for clicks, but the goal is clear: to help parents who love their kids but also want to enjoy being around them. No rigid rules here, just a mindset shift to see kids as actual people with their own inner worlds, not problems to fix or tiny versions of ourselves to mold. She says even the most annoying feelings deserve acknowledgment (note: that's not the same as giving in). Because when kids don’t feel heard, those emotions don’t just go away. Ignore them now, and they'll just come back later as bigger, uglier problems. Basically, she makes you ask: "Am I mad at my kid right now, or at little-kid-me?"

Perry's got the credentials, she's been a therapist and advice columnist for 20 years, but what makes her relatable is she's been in the trenches too. She jokes that if parents got this stuff early on, she could "give up being a psychotherapist and arrange flowers instead." She doesn't hold back on the personal stuff either, like how she couldn't talk about her daughter's traumatic birth for years. This book's packed with real-life moments we all know too well: public tantrums, parenting fails, and the liberating realization that perfect parenting is a myth. It's like getting advice from your most insightful friend, one who actually knows what she's talking about, has done the homework, and wants to help you do better without guilt-tripping you. No surprise it's been staying on bestseller lists for so long.

Perry goes way back to the beginning, like before-birth beginning, showing how our emotional baggage becomes our kid's inheritance. She talks about something she calls "desertion," where a baby’s basic needs go unanswered not because the parent is cruel, but maybe because they believe ignoring the cries will toughen the baby up. And when we brush off a kid’s emotions by saying they’re "just tired" or "just trying to get attention," we’re really telling them their feelings don’t count. Fast forward and you've got adults who only feel important when making waves. Perry calls out all the junk we inherit like that nagging inner critic, those outdated beliefs, but also shows a better way: responding consistently, taking feelings seriously (without taking them over), and cultivating real optimism (not that toxic "good vibes only" nonsense).

Perry's got this awesome balance of being super supportive but also no-nonsense. That whole "look over there!" thing we do when kids say something important? She calls it out as what it really is, a trust-killer that teaches kids we're not really listening. Same goes for sleep-training ("hello, missed bonding opportunity!") and scrolling through our phones around kids, she warns that constant distraction creates an emotional void that might lead to addiction issues down the road. And even when kids lie, which is pretty normal, she says we should get curious instead of angry. Her message is clear: parenting isn't about being perfect, but about being present and asking yourself, "What lesson am I sending right now?"

This book is full of real-life examples and interesting bits like how babies are born with the ability to breast-crawl or how kids born in the summer tend to get more ADHD diagnoses than those born in autumn. Perry’s writing can get a little poetic sometimes like when she says singing with your child is like "breathing and playing together," or how neglect makes a child "dance alone, even if it’s a dance of war." That said, this book's not perfect, most examples are about white, middle-class families, and she doesn’t talk much about the extra struggles some parents face, like money problems or lack of support. Though to be fair, her core ideas about emotional connection probably work for everyone, even if the specifics need adjusting.

This isn't one of those parenting books you speed-read during naptime. Between the "write about your last argument" exercises and all the lightbulb moments they trigger, you'll find yourself pausing to think way more than turning pages. Perry’s strength is helping you notice those fuzzy feelings or thoughts you’ve never quite put into words, and giving you tools to work with them. Simple advice like taking a breath before reacting, or saying out loud what you're feeling. None of it's rocket science, but man is it harder than it sounds. The big takeaway? Good parenting is never about molding perfect kids, but about showing up as your imperfect self, consistently.

What stands out, though, is how kind Perry is to parents. She’s not here to make anyone feel guilty about all the ways we're messing up our children. Instead, she invites us to see how we can do things differently, with more awareness and less shame. Imagine if kids grew up thinking feelings aren’t bad, just signs pointing to what they need. And imagine if parents could heal from their own past and parent with calm instead of fear. That’s the kind of change Perry hopes for, not overnight perfection, but small shifts that build stronger relationships over time. If you’re in the mood to reflect, what you get isn't promises of perfect kids, just real, practical ways to be the parent you wish you'd had. And honestly? That might be even better.

(Salah satu hal yang bikin kaget (dan jujur agak nggak nyaman) jadi orang tua adalah sadar bahwa banyak hal yang kita lakuin itu bukan murni insting kita, tapi lebih kayak echo dari cara kita dibesarkan. Cara kita ngomong kasar pas stres, reaksi kita waktu anak nangis, bahkan ekspektasi tersembunyi kita, banyak yang ternyata warisan dari masa kecil kita sendiri. Kita basically jadi sosok yang meniru gaya orang tua kita tanpa sadar. Yang kita kira "insting alami" seringkali cuma pola keluarga yang udah auto-pilot. Kenyataannya hanya karena sesuatu terasa "alami" bukan berarti itu beneran membantu. Kalau kita nggak mulai aware sama pola-pola ini, diam-diam ini bisa merusak hubungan kita sama anak. Dan karena hubungan inilah yang menentukan cara mereka berelasi sama orang lain nantinya, efeknya bisa terus ada sampai mereka dewasa.

Nah di sinilah buku The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read oleh Philippa Perry masuk. Ini bukan buku parenting biasa yang menganggap anak kayak proyek DIY atau nilai ujian buat skill parenting kita. Judulnya emang kayak begging you to read it sih, tapi tujuannya jelas: membantu orang tua yang sayang anaknya tapi pengen juga enjoy jadi orang tua. Nggak ada aturan kaku, cuma ajakan mindshift buat lihat anak sebagai manusia utuh dengan dunia emosinya sendiri, bukan masalah yang harus dibetulkan atau versi mini kita yang harus dibentuk. Perry bilang bahkan emosi paling nyebelin pun berhak diakui (catet: diakui bukan berarti dituruti). Soalnya kalau perasaan anak terus diabaikan, emosi itu nggak bakal hilang. Abaikan sekarang, nongolnya nanti malah lebih gede dan lebih ruwet. Intinya buku ini bikin kita nanya: "Aku lagi marah sama anakku, atau sama versi kecilku dulu?"

Perry ini legit, 20 tahun jadi terapis dan kolumnis, tapi yang bikin relate adalah dia juga udah merasakan langsung jadi orang tua. Dia bercanda kalau semua orang tua paham konsep ini, dia bisa "berhenti jadi psikoterapis dan buka toko bunga aja". Dia juga jujur cerita pengalaman pribadi kayak trauma persalinan anaknya yang nggak bisa dia ceritain selama bertahun-tahun. Bukunya penuh moment-moment relatable: anak tantrum di publik, gagal dalam parenting, sampai pencerahan bahwa jadi orang tua perfect itu mitos. Rasanya kayak dikasih tips sama temen paling bijak yang emang kompeten, udah riset, dan benar-benar pengen bantu tanpa bikin kita merasa gagal. Nggak heran buku ini bestseller terus.

Perry bahas dari akar-akarnya, bahkan sebelum anak lahir, tentang bagaimana beban emosional kita jadi warisan untuk anak. Dia menyebut konsep "desertion" dimana kebutuhan dasar bayi nggak dipenuhi bukan karena orang tua jahat, tapi mungkin percaya bahwa mengabaikan tangisan bakal bikin anak jadi kuat. Dan ketika kita meremehkan perasaan anak dengan bilang "itu cuma karena capek" atau "cuma cari perhatian", sebenernya kita ngajarin mereka bahwa perasaannya nggak penting. Fast forward, jadilah orang dewasa yang cuma merasa berarti kalau bikin masalah. Perry menyebutkan semua sampah warisan generasional kayak inner critic yang nyinyir 24/7 atau kepercayaan kuno, tapi sekaligus kasih solusi: respon secara konsisten, anggap serius semua perasaan (tapi jangan ikut terbawa), dan tumbuhkan optimisme beneran (bukan yang toxic positivity ala "good vibes only").

Menurut aku Perry itu keren banget sih, bisa tegas tapi tetap supportive. Tahu kan kalau kita suka mengalihkan pembicaraan anak dengan "lihat itu tuh!"? Di sini Perry ngomong terus terang kalau itu kebiasaan yang bikin anak merasa nggak didengerin. Sama kayak sleep-training ("eh, bonding time terlewat nih!") atau asik scroll HP deket anak, dia ngingetin kalau terus-terusan distracted bikin anak merasa kosong, yang bisa berujung ke masalah kecanduan nantinya. Bahkan pas anak bohong (yang wajar banget), Perry malah nyuruh kita untuk penasaran daripada marah. Pesannya jelas: jadi orang tua tuh nggak harus perfect, yang penting hadir dan terus nanya ke diri sendiri, "Aku lagi ngajarin apa sih ke anak sekarang?"

Buku ini isinya contoh-contoh nyata dan fakta unik kayak gimana bayi baru lahir bisa "breast-crawl" sendiri atau kenapa anak yang lahir di musim panas lebih sering dapat diagnosa ADHD. Perry juga kadang bisa puitis, kayak menyebut nyanyi bareng anak itu kayak "bernafas dan bermain bersama", atau anak yang diabaikan bakal "menari sendirian, bahkan jika itu tarian perang". Tapi jujur, bukunya nggak flawless. Contohnya kebanyakan berasal keluarga kulit putih kelas menengah, dan kurang bahas tantangan kayak kesulitan finansial atau kurangnya support system. Tapi konsep intinya soal hubungan emosional tetep bisa diaplikasikan siapa aja, meski mungkin butuh penyesuaian untuk bagian spesifiknya.

Ini bukan buku parenting yang bisa dibaca buru-buru pas anak tidur siang. Ada banyak latihan kayak "tulis argumen terakhirmu" yang bikin kita pause dan mikir lebih banyak daripada sekadar membalik halaman buku. Keahlian Perry ini membantu kita mengenali perasaan atau pikiran yang belum pernah kita ketahui namanya, terus memberi tools buat menghadapinya. Sarannya sederhana kayak tarik napas dulu sebelum bereaksi, atau ngomongin perasaan kita dengan jelas. Kedengeran simpel, tapi prakteknya? Wow, lebih susah dari yang dibayangin. Intinya sih, jadi orang tua yang baik itu bukan tentang mencetak anak perfect, tapi tentang konsisten hadir sebagai versi diri kita yang nggak sempurna.

Yang paling bikin seneng, Perry ini baik banget sama para orang tua. Dia nggak mau bikin kita merasa gagal terus. Malah mengajak kita untuk coba cara baru dengan lebih aware dan tanpa malu. Bayangin kalau anak-anak tumbuh dengan menganggap perasaan itu bukan musuh, tapi penunjuk arah untuk kebutuhan mereka. Dan bayangin kalau orang tua bisa sembuh dari luka masa lalu dan mengasuh dengan tenang, bukan ketakutan. Itulah perubahan yang Perry harapkan, bukan kesempurnaan instan, tapi perubahan kecil yang perlahan bikin hubungan lebih kuat. Kalau kita mau introspeksi, yang kita dapetin bukan janji punya anak perfect, tapi cara-cara practical buat jadi orang tua yang kita dulu pengen punya. Dan honestly? Itu jauh lebih berharga.)

THINGS I LOVE

■ Advice you can actually use. The best part of this book is she gives you actual tools you can use tomorrow. Tantrum in public? Screen time negotiations? Or just trying to be a better listener? She's got your back with strategies that won't make you feel like you need a PhD to implement them. Nothing fancy, just solid, everyday parenting help.

■ Everything starts with empathy. Perry treats kids like actual human beings with complex feelings. But she's also got mad empathy for us parents too. Her golden rule? Validate feelings without caving to every demand, so you can help them feel seen and safe. 

■ Breaking the family cycle. This book is basically about unparenting yourself first. Perry makes you examine all those automatic reactions you inherited ("Because I said so!") and asks: "But is this actually working?" It's equal parts liberating and terrifying to realize you can rewrite your family's playbook.

■ No shame, no blame. What’s refreshing is there’s no finger-pointing here. Perry knows parenting is messy and what works for your neighbor might crash and burn in your house. Her tone is like your most grounded mom friend who's been through it but won't judge you. She offers ideas, not rules, and reminds us that messing up sometimes is just part of the process.

■ Expert + real parent struggles. She's a therapist and a parent who's survived toddler meltdowns. So when she talks, it's this perfect mix of "the research shows..." and "yeah, that totally happened to me too."

■ Parenting in the modern day. Perry tackles the stuff keeping us up at night. Screens? Teen angst? Raising independent humans who still actually like you? She cuts through the noise with fresh takes (discipline = teaching, not power trips) that actually make sense for modern families.

(■ Tips yang beneran bisa dipraktekkan. Yang paling juara dari buku ini? Perry ngasih strategi yang beneran bisa kita terapkan besok. Menghadapi tantrum di mall? Perdebatan soal screen time? Atau sekadar pengen jadi pendengar yang lebih baik? Dia punya solusinya, dan nggak ribet tanpa harus punya gelar PhD buat memahaminya. Semuanya simpel, praktis, dan langsung bisa dipakai sehari-hari.

■ Empati jadi kunci. Perry menganggap anak-anak sebagai manusia beneran yang punya perasaan kompleks. Tapi yang bikin adem, dia juga paham betapa rempongnya jadi orang tua. Golden rule-nya? Validasi perasaan anak (tanpa harus selalu nurutin semua maunya), biar mereka merasa dimengerti dan aman.

■ Memutus rantai pola asuh toxic. Sebenernya buku ini tentang "unlearning" pola asuh yang kita warisi tanpa sadar. Perry bikin kita sadar: "Wait, respon otomatis aku ('Pokoknya harus nurut!') ini beneran efektif nggak sih?" Hal ini bikin lega sekaligus ngeri, ternyata kita bisa nulis ulang "rulebook" keluarga kita sendiri.

■ Nggak ada nyalahin, nggak ada shaming. Yang bikin adem, Perry nggak sok suci atau menyalahkan pembaca. Dia paham betul parenting itu berantakan, dan apa yang berhasil di rumah tetangga bisa jadi gagal total di rumahmu. Dia kayak temen yang paling waras yang udah pernah ngalamin, tapi nggak bakal judge kamu. Dia memberikan ide, bukan aturan kaku, dan mengingatkan kalau kadang gagal itu wajar.

■ Expert yang juga pernah mengalami. Dia psikoterapis, tapi juga orang tua yang pernah menghadapi drama toddler. Jadinya pas dia ngomong, rasanya pas banget antara "menurut penelitian..." dan "nih, saya juga pernah ngalamin bund, wkwk".

■ Parenting di era sekarang. Perry ngomongin hal-hal yang bikin kita begadang mikirin: kecanduan gadget, fase remaja yang bikin pusing, atau gimana caranya anak mandiri tapi tetep deket dengan kita. Pendekatannya fresh, misalnya, disiplin itu tujuannya ngajarin, bukan sekadar ngasih hukuman, dan relevan banget buat keluarga zaman now.)

FAVORITE QUOTES (FROM INDONESIAN TRANSLATED EDITION)

"Jika manusia diibaratkan tanaman, maka hubungan adalah tanahnya. Hubungan akan mendukung, memelihara, memungkinkan pertumbuhan—atau menghambatnya."

"Begitu banyak hal yang kita warisi ternyata berada di luar kesadaran kita. Inilah yang terkadang membuat kita sulit mengetahui apakah reaksi kita terhadap anak saat itu sudah sesuai pada situasi saat ini atau cenderung berakar dari masa lalu kita."

"... orang yang paham dan beritikad baik sekalipun bisa tergelincir ke dalam momen-momen yang emosional dan tanpa sadar bereaksi terhadap masa lalunya."

"Ketika Anda marah atau bereaksi emosi yang berlebihan menghadapi anak, begitulah cara yang Anda pelajari untuk membela diri dari perasaan yang Anda rasakan ketika seusia mereka."

"Sangat mudah bagi kita untuk berasumsi bahwa perasaan kita berkaitan dengan kejadian saat ini, bukan sekadar reaksi terhadap kejadian di masa lampau."

" ... lantaran tidak mau dijuluki sebagai "orang tua yang buruk", kita malah berpura-pura tidak pernah melakukan kesalahan."

"Pasalnya, jauh lebih mudah untuk fokus pada perilaku anak-anak kita daripada memeriksa bagaimana anak-anak memengaruhi kita, atau kita memengaruhi mereka."

"Sebagai orang tua, Anda mungkin tahu betapa sulitnya melihat penderitaan anak Anda. Bahkan semakin sulit menerima, mungkin Andalah penyebab penderitaan tersebut."

"Anggaplah emosi yang kurang mengenakkan itu sebagai lampu peringatan di dasbor. Tanggapan kita terhadap lampu peringatan bensin yang berkedip saat kosong seharusnya bukan dengan melepas bohlam agar tidak berkedip, tetapi memberikan apa yang mobil butuhkan."

"Ketika perasaan tidak enak, kita tidak butuh orang lain untuk meluruskan keadaan. Kita hanya ingin mereka merasakan yang kita rasakan, alih-alih mengatasinya bersama."

"Orang tua cenderung menganggap apa yang membuat mereka bahagia tentu akan membuat anak-anak mereka bahagia."

"Tuntutan untuk berbahagia akan mengerdilkan kehidupan."

"Anda melahirkan seseorang untuk dicintai, bukan suatu karya seni."

"Ada keyakinan yang sering kali dijejalkan bahwa pria harus 'kuat'. Menurut saya, itu bukan hal yang baik, tetapi berbahaya."

"Bagaimana pun perilaku Anda, itulah yang Anda ajarkan kepada anak, termasuk perilaku yang tidak Anda sukai."

RATING

🌟 Content: 10/10 (Packed with valuable advice and reflection exercises)

🌟 Physical quality: 8/10 (Comfortable to read but could improve paper thickness)

🌟 Translation: 6.5/10 (Gets the job done but needs polishing)

CONCLUSION

Perry's book isn't about raising perfect kids or being a perfect parent. It's about showing up, messing up, and repairing the mess, which is actually way more valuable. She gives you the tools to swap perfectionism for empathy, blame for self-reflection, and quick fixes for real connection. Whether you're nervously awaiting your first baby or deep in the teen years, this book offers something priceless: permission to be imperfect, the courage to break old cycles, and the reminder that being present matters more than being perfect. It's the kind of book you'll dog-ear to death and keep coming back to, maybe even wish you'd found sooner.

(Buku ini bukan tentang jadi orang tua sempurna atau punya anak sempurna. Tapi lebih ke "hadir aja dulu, gagal gapapa, terus perbaiki" yang justru jauh lebih berharga. Dia memberikan senjata buat mengganti perfeksionisme dengan empati, menyalahkan diri sendiri dengan refleksi, dan solusi instan dengan hubungan real. Mau kamu calon orang tua yang lagi nervous atau udah jengah menghadapi anak remaja, buku ini kasih sesuatu yang priceless: izin buat jadi nggak sempurna, keberanian buat memutus rantai pola lama, dan pengingat kalau kehadiran itu lebih penting daripada kesempurnaan. Bakal jadi buku yang bakal kamu tandain sana-sini dan bolak-balik dibaca, mungkin malah nyesel kenapa nggak baca buku ini dari dulu.)