Feelings are here to be felt.
Recently I came into a realization that I used to
avoid my feelings much in the past, especially the negative ones like anger and
shame. I felt like those feelings are not meant to appear. In the past, I was
taught that I shouldn’t cry. Crying is useless when everything has happened. I
was called crybaby too, that label was considered bad that time. That I
repressed that sad feeling too much. Then I avoided that sadness and turned it
into anger. I was easily getting angry but I couldn’t express it since I also
was taught that anger is sin. You shouldn’t be angry if you want to be a good
person. That was what people around me taught me.
I was living in mostly negative feelings during my early
age to avoid the other negative feelings. I realized
that that situation turned me growing up into an indecisive and fearful person.
I got the labels of being fearful, shy, a girl who can’t speak loudly, a
crybaby, and weird. That made me confused
about what was happening. I didn't even know why people were so mad at me or
laughing at me that time. But subconsciously I picked what was labeled at me as my identity
and I believed it for years. During those years I hated fearful, shy, crybaby,
weird or anyone with the repressed aspects of me. I didn’t want to accept those
feelings, but subconsciously I accepted the labels of those negative feelings.
I revealed this story not because I got mad at people
in my past, I only acknowledge what happened to me. Some old stories
appeared during writing this blog post that I got more understanding why I was
who, why I did what, or why I got which. Everyone did their best at their
levels that time. I also did my best too. I’ve been learning so much these past
years. Even though I ever hated myself for having such negative feelings, now I
can’t do it anymore.
Feelings are not meant to be judged nor avoided.
Feelings are here to be felt.
Around 2012, I realized that stress could really
affect our health because it happened to me. I got diarrhea during the semester
project for about 2 weeks. I got switched to other medicine too, but it
couldn’t stop the diarrhea. Then a friend said to me that I was at a bad stress
level. I didn’t believe him at first but later my class leader announced to us
that our lecturer was absent that day, so the project testing was delayed until
next week. That announcement marked the end of my diarrhea. The pain in my
stomach stopped, I stopped going to the toilet, I felt better. Then I believe
that I was in a severe stress level that my body couldn’t heal itself. I
remember that during that time during my night sleeps I often got dreams where
all the programming stuff I was currently working on became alive. Like, I saw
some dialogue boxes walking around me, I talked in C++ language with other
people, and some other unique dreams. I didn’t realize I was stressed but I
didn’t listen to myself. I was scared and worried about the project but I denied
those feelings, I repressed them, I didn’t want to know them anymore.
Honestly, 2019 was the year I became a friend for myself. Even though during 2013-2014 I started to learn self-love and to understand myself more, before 2019 I wasn’t fully honest with myself. I was in a pattern that made me avoid some negative feelings.
I realized that I can’t be in the same pattern where
I often get sick, get continuous acne, meet random weird people, and follow
society standard of what’s called perfect life. One of the books that opens my
eyes is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I recommend you to read this book
to understand how your emotions affect your body. At the end of the book, there
is a list of many diseases with the emotions as their roots.
Getting sick doesn’t mean that you are a bad person.
It’s a reminder to pay attention to your body. You can heal your life. I wrote
this post to let you know that there is still hope. Healing is possible. You
are a perfect being, you have the universe inside you, your body is magical,
you just have to let it heal by itself.
Let yourself feel your feelings, positive or
negative. Feel it fully and observe it then let it go when it’s meant to. Don’t
try to judge yourself, don’t repress or avoid your feelings.
As I mentioned in January highlight, everyone is
allowed to cry, everyone is allowed to feel their feelings. Feelings don’t make
someone less or more than the other. Everyone has their own
wounds, everyone has bad experiences too.
The more I spend time with myself the
more I get that I came here to learn and help. I was born as a pure soul, until
I picked society values, I got hurt, but I denied that by being busy as
a human. When you deny your wounds, it would accumulate by time because we
aren’t aware of their existence. So, stop repressing your emotions, stop
avoiding your feelings, acknowledge, observe, feel and appreciate them, so that
you can heal. Be the best friend for yourself by feeling your feelings.
Listen to the Audioblog version :
Weekly Message : Feel | Audioblog #4Title picture by lailiving
Photo by Tomoko Uji, Marisa Harris
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