Weekly Message : Feel

Feelings are here to be felt.

Recently I came into a realization that I used to avoid my feelings much in the past, especially the negative ones like anger and shame. I felt like those feelings are not meant to appear. In the past, I was taught that I shouldn’t cry. Crying is useless when everything has happened. I was called crybaby too, that label was considered bad that time. That I repressed that sad feeling too much. Then I avoided that sadness and turned it into anger. I was easily getting angry but I couldn’t express it since I also was taught that anger is sin. You shouldn’t be angry if you want to be a good person. That was what people around me taught me.

I was living in mostly negative feelings during my early age to avoid the other negative feelings. I realized that that situation turned me growing up into an indecisive and fearful person. I got the labels of being fearful, shy, a girl who can’t speak loudly, a crybaby, and weird. That made me confused about what was happening. I didn't even know why people were so mad at me or laughing at me that time. But subconsciously I picked what was labeled at me as my identity and I believed it for years. During those years I hated fearful, shy, crybaby, weird or anyone with the repressed aspects of me. I didn’t want to accept those feelings, but subconsciously I accepted the labels of those negative feelings.

I revealed this story not because I got mad at people in my past, I only acknowledge what happened to me. Some old stories appeared during writing this blog post that I got more understanding why I was who, why I did what, or why I got which. Everyone did their best at their levels that time. I also did my best too. I’ve been learning so much these past years. Even though I ever hated myself for having such negative feelings, now I can’t do it anymore.

Feelings are not meant to be judged nor avoided. Feelings are here to be felt.

Around 2012, I realized that stress could really affect our health because it happened to me. I got diarrhea during the semester project for about 2 weeks. I got switched to other medicine too, but it couldn’t stop the diarrhea. Then a friend said to me that I was at a bad stress level. I didn’t believe him at first but later my class leader announced to us that our lecturer was absent that day, so the project testing was delayed until next week. That announcement marked the end of my diarrhea. The pain in my stomach stopped, I stopped going to the toilet, I felt better. Then I believe that I was in a severe stress level that my body couldn’t heal itself. I remember that during that time during my night sleeps I often got dreams where all the programming stuff I was currently working on became alive. Like, I saw some dialogue boxes walking around me, I talked in C++ language with other people, and some other unique dreams. I didn’t realize I was stressed but I didn’t listen to myself. I was scared and worried about the project but I denied those feelings, I repressed them, I didn’t want to know them anymore. 

Honestly, 2019 was the year I became a friend for myself. Even though during 2013-2014 I started to learn self-love and to understand myself more, before 2019 I wasn’t fully honest with myself. I was in a pattern that made me avoid some negative feelings.

I realized that I can’t be in the same pattern where I often get sick, get continuous acne, meet random weird people, and follow society standard of what’s called perfect life. One of the books that opens my eyes is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I recommend you to read this book to understand how your emotions affect your body. At the end of the book, there is a list of many diseases with the emotions as their roots.

Getting sick doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. It’s a reminder to pay attention to your body. You can heal your life. I wrote this post to let you know that there is still hope. Healing is possible. You are a perfect being, you have the universe inside you, your body is magical, you just have to let it heal by itself. 

Let yourself feel your feelings, positive or negative. Feel it fully and observe it then let it go when it’s meant to. Don’t try to judge yourself, don’t repress or avoid your feelings. 

As I mentioned in January highlight, everyone is allowed to cry, everyone is allowed to feel their feelings. Feelings don’t make someone less or more than the other. Everyone has their own wounds, everyone has bad experiences too. 

The more I spend time with myself the more I get that I came here to learn and help. I was born as a pure soul, until I picked society values, I got hurt, but I denied that by being busy as a human. When you deny your wounds, it would accumulate by time because we aren’t aware of their existence. So, stop repressing your emotions, stop avoiding your feelings, acknowledge, observe, feel and appreciate them, so that you can heal. Be the best friend for yourself by feeling your feelings.

Listen to the Audioblog version :

Weekly Message : Feel | Audioblog #4